...These are few jokes i found on an old mobile...
paddy says "look at that flock of cows" "herd of cows you daft twat" says murphy. "of course i've heard of cows, theres a bloody flock of them over there!!!"
taffy, jock and paddy are chatting. taffy says "women are stupid! my wifes just bought a car and she cant even drive!". "thats nothing" says jock "my wifes on a diet and she aint even fat" paddy says "thats fuck all, my wife has taken 30 condoms to ibiza and she dont even have a cock!!"
policeman pulls over paddy for speeding. "have you been drinking sir?" paddy replies "yes officer, i have had about 18 pints, 2 bottles of hooch and 6 bacardi and cokes" policeman says "what the hell are you doing driving?" paddy replies "i couldnt walk"
Rick astley asked if he could borrow my collection of pixar films. Okay i said, you can have toy story, cars and finding nemo. but i am never gonna give you up!!
Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet saying its got epilepsy. the vet says "he looks calm enough to me" paddy replied "i've not taken it out of the fucking bowl yet"
Theres a new craze in glasgow pubs. girls are putting vodka jelly up their snatches and having blokes suck it out with straws. police and health authorities are now worried about the effects of minge drinking.
i take you to be my lawful wedded texting buddy. to have and to harass, in rich quotes & funny jokes, till low battery or credit or minutes do us part. (send this on to all your texting buddies <3)
Mick opens paddys fridge and says "why do you always keep an empty bottle of milk in the fridge?" paddy replies "in case someone wants a black coffee you thick twat"
a vampire bat arrives back at the cave with his face mouth and teeth all covered in blood. all the other bats get excited and ask where he got it from. "follow me" he says, so off they fly, over the hills, over the river and into the dark forest. "see that tree over there" "yes" they all replied ...."well i didnt!"